Sighs… Happy New Month Everyone.
I must say that it feels so good with so many intense emotions running through me as I write this.
In Nigeria, we’ll say it the official “mber” month which is more of a countdown to the Christmas holidays and a rise of superstitions about “kidnapping“, “rituals” and “ogwu ego”
For me, phew… what a year “2021“
A time so far that gave me clear vision than it’s sister “2020” (I mean, you would think 2020 will provide clear insight. Anyway, it did)
As the year unfolds gradually and for me, mentally, life deteriorates further, I’m riddled with my final, defining moments in which I think is how I would like to spend the rest of my life.
Above everything, is my quest for wealth. Although I have been told that money changes decisions, I like to think I want to own so much, yet find comfort in the shadows.
Or, so I think, I mean, would it be different if I weighed 70 Kg, with clear skin and a generously secured bag?
What would rich bitch me be like?
I think about love and I wonder if my choices are influenced by my life experiences and external cultural factors.
What even is better and what would over exposed me settle for?
I think about my mind, life and people in general. How I get lost in thought during conversations as I wonder in my head, “if they are lying?“, “The thoughts in their head?”, “Their selfish’ desires” and oh those many excruciating times, when I remind myself countlessly of the many times I acted out of line, fucked up and was dealt badly by life.
What really is God’s original plan for mankind?
Is it possible to “turn a new leaf” and selectively erase all the memories from the dark times?
So, yeah, these words are the best I could come up with, given the storm of emotions I’m waving through.
If my angels snitched on me, they’ll say my greatest desire is STABILITY ON ALL FRONTS but when the nurturing process gets tough, my first cue is to RUN.
I think I am once again in that phase because right now, all I want to do is RUN.
Time will tell though, with God on my side.
Love and Light.