I mean…shit! This post has been way overdue.
While almost everyone I know is getting pumped up with some energy I really want to find out how where and how they are getting and doing it, I can’t help screaming that I am mentally tired.
Physically, I’m on social media all day, on my phone all day playing games or on my laptop, watching a movie or two. In between all of this, video calls with my lover or just plain sleeping, eating, and repeat.
My daily prayer “Lord, release me from the shackles of laziness”
I have about 4 – 5 post pending and uncompleted for the blog. I have a huge roll of pictures to share on my website. I have a proposition to join a mental health campaign, playing any role of my choice. I have two therapists waiting on me to fix a date to record for my podcast. I have a mini writing series partnership request. I have text messages to respond to, calls to return and Volunteer duties to catch up with but what I am doing? NOTHING
Echo that last word so hard till it maybe heightens the headache I am currently feeling from my one bottle of wine self prescription.
I swear, if Rona was human, he or she is driving me mad. Which is to say that anxiety isn’t necessarily loud, sometimes, it’s just those silent actions of self sabotage, like drinking 17 bottles of wine in less than 3 weeks, or having your eyes fixated on a computer screen for 18 hours or just being plain idle, especially for a person who actively reads and enjoying the food of the mind.
In these moments, I have experienced high level of insecurity, like how most of my peers are active and I’m just here drinking, fooling around on Twitter and eating.
Life has really tried me dears.
Well, hey! Even finding the strength to clothe my expressions with words is one of the most liberating feeling I have felt in a long while.
And in those moments I have been still, felt I was drifting, idle and mentally beating myself up for just being, at this very moment and time that I write this, I’m certain that I’m about to find out the reasons why.
I am a staunch believer that everything happens for a reason and so, if something is meant to be, it is up to me.
Love & light.