As I write this, I think about the famous quote “once you go black, you never go back”
I transform that to “once you go dark, you never go back”
This might be a call for help. Maybe. Might. Just maybe.
I remember a date I went on and I was asked what I think of mad people. I respond that no one is really mad, just different ways of thinking and that got my date really scared.
Well, I think I’m getting mad or I might just be mad because the voices won’t stop.
It’s a year after I attempted suicide, and a few months after I decided to be open about it, but brethren, it doesn’t change anything.
I am self awoken, Christ conscious and drug free but yet, these thoughts won’t go away.
I see this platform as my bestie because who do I really turn to with my issues, I mean everyone has it difficult just living. So why add more stress to their lives.
I’m even tempted to open up to my potential partner, but can’t I allow a young man fall in love normally?
I feel like a lost cause; broken but still I smile.
It is what is expected. I mean, coming out with my struggles should be enough to heal right?
The New Truth
My old self was tired, high, lost and helpless.
My new self is tired, aware but confused
I’m tired because my parents are ignorant but wasn’t I once ignorant before I saw the light?
I’m tired of material demands; bills, work, self-care, relationships etc.
I’m tired of eating; I only love tea & water
I’m also tired of people’s admiration that I’m losing weight & looking good.
I’m tired of interpreting that as “depression looks good on you girl”
I’m tired of being tired.
I’m aware that I’m human
I’m aware that not every is a bad day but I’m also aware that I’m sick of that instability
I’m aware of the realms of spirituality & the facades of reality
I’m aware that there really isn’t any fun or escape in drugs asides losing control.
I’m aware that everything takes time but I’m also aware that impatience might just be the death of me
I’m aware of what is right or wrong
I’m aware that I’m tired of seeking clarity on this paradoxical module of existence.
Finally I’m confused
I know suicide makes no sense, yet I think of it so clearly
I try to tell a friend how I truly feel on the inside and he tells me “there really isn’t silence“
So indeed silence is gold, so I would love to die.
Not by my hands though but at the hands of nature.
I hope to make her my friend so she can help me in the most painless way possible.
I wonder if death is truly silence, or the best escape out of life or you never know… A restart of life.
Fuck all this!
Why am I experiencing all this?
When will my time come?
What is it like afterwards?
Would I still get to write?
I guess darkness will always be a friend.
Can I still end this with “Love & Light” ?